1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A- flat
minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd
dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

More of the world according to Peter Kay....

Triangular sandwiches always taste better than square ones

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint to
toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger

You are never sure whether it’s ok to eat green crisps

Everyone who grew up in the 80s has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator

Reading when you’re drunk is horrible

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly

You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a
bonfire in your back garden

Nobody ever dares make cup- a - soup in a bowl

You never know where to look when eating a banana

It’s impossible to describe the smell of wet cat

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly

Rummaging in a garden will always turn up a bouncy ball

You always feel a bit scared stroking a horse

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school

The most embarrassing thing you can do as a schoolchild is to call your
teacher Mum or Dad

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
opportunity

Some days you see lots of people on crutches

Every bloke has at some stage flushed halfway through and then raced against
the flush

Old women with mobile phones look wrong

It’s impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee

You never ever run out of salt

Old ladies eat more than you think

Driving through a tunnel always makes you feel excited

You can’t respect a man who carries a dog

There no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you’ve got your hand
or head stuck in something

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers

Despite constant constant warnings you have never met anyone who has had
their arm broken by a swan

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug

People who don’t drive slam car doors too hard

You’ve turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose

Bricks are horrible to carry

In every plate of chips there is always a bad chip

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services;
he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't
get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be
able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research,
implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration;
he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job
or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist;
all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist;
all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector;
all he ever did was ..... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"
"Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

More Bloopers

"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)

"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this
morning and it was amazing!"
(Pat Glenn - weightlifting commentator)

"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."
(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)

"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it
which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my father and mother."
(Greg Norman)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
thing again."
(Terry Venables)

"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the
Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is
kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on
the field"
(Metro Radio)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seems to hang in the
air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack. Will you stay in
football?
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live)

"And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs
and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is
that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them....
Oh my God! What have I just said?!!!" (US PGA Commentator)

"For those of you who are watching in black and white, the blue is
behind the brown"
(Snooker commentator)

True story... a female news anchor who, the day after it was
supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So
Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have
to leave the set, but half the crew did too as they were laughing so hard!

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he
asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the
top drawer," she replied. He opened the draw of the bedside table and found
a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."



NIGHTMARE #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of
a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep
in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded
to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently
squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with
ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom
to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, You'll wake your mother"


NIGHTMARE #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job? "Horrified,
she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" Oh come on! Who's gonna
see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. No, please. Can you imagine
if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so
much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you
can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy
voice she says, Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do
it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it But for
God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out
there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes
to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World
Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he
had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on
This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in
bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what
he sees."

OSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well
Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie
Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers
not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands
he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold nightlike this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today
after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told
Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
down to the core of the Earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your a**e?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?


6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?


7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?


12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out
of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


15. Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

16. What do you call male ballerinas?

17. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??


18. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme
crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

19. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?



20. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

21. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

22. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to
hear him, is he still wrong?

23. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
billion stars in the Universe, you believe them, but if they tell you
there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

24. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?



25. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your a**e ?

26. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?

> People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where
> my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
> ask where the toilet is?
>
> People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
> for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
> channel manually.
>
> When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Too
> F**king right I do! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
>
> When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
> Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
> this?
> Who and where are they?
>
> When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I
> paid £12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f**king floor.
>
> People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"...... Didn't really give me a
> choice there, did you sunshine?
>
> When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
> there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
> there
> must have been something before it.
>
> When people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn
> thinga nyone ever f**king does!! What can you do that's longer?
>
> When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
> yet?".If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*bhead?
>
> People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what
> did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?
>
> When your eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
> really revolting, I always eat stuff I hate!
>< BR>> People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks! that's an image
> Ireally didn't need.
>
> McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert
> the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a 'Mcchicken
> Burger', just a 'Chicken Burger' gets a blanklook...........Well I'll have
> a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*ckin McTos*er!

>Weird Things You Would Never Know !!
>
>* Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>* A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
>
>* In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the
>world's nuclear weapons combined.
>
>* On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
>
>* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
>
>* Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
>immigrants.
>
>*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
>already married.
>
>*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
>
>* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
>
>* It's possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
>
>* Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
>
>* It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
>
>*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
>because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
>weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
>
>* A snail can sleep for three years.
>
>* No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
>
>* Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
>
>* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
>never stop growing. - SCARY !!!
>
>* The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
>
>* All polar bears are left-handed.
>
>* In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
>including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
>
>* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
>on one row of the keyboard.
>
>* "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
>
>* If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
>would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
>
>* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>
>* The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>
>* Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
>
>* Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
>
>Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They
>will get a kick out of it !!
>
>You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you ?
>

Not sure I agree with all of these, but here's a list courtesy of Mark George in the The Office;

Mans Unwritten Rules
1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is
forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is
strictly optional.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not
the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you
may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose
of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another bloke in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of
a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire
and threw it into a ceiling fan.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both - that's just mean.

20. If you complement a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in disusing a mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing, i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation
you need.

24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you
are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up
if necessary.

25. You cannot grass on a colleague who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair
with cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks
his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loud speaker every
seven minutes.

26. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird
and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion
about what a big mistake it was.

27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable
for her to drive yours.

28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5
litres.

29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime
green, orange or sky blue.

30. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a
Playstation 2, Yeaaaaaaah!

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use
the two words Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a
limerick. Here are the three winners:


Third place:

There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.


And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown.