A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he
glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realises she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Miami," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting right next
to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's
your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Black men are the most
well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Scottish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm
sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know
your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand.
"Tonto Mc Tavish."

Some great old Tommy Cooper Jokes;

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
one says "So are you, you fat b*stard."

_____

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks They charged one and let the other one off

_____

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up
and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls
out: "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," says the blind bloke. " I'm just
looking."


_____

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
"Aaaaaaagghhhh" and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same
thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

_____

He said "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library." I thought "That's a turn-up for the books."

_____

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it."


_____

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that
was nice.


_____

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream". "He said Hundreds & thousands?" I said "We'll start with
one." He said "Knickerbocker glory?" I said "I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes."

_____

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My
dog died."

_____

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in
went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to
me "Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet."

_____

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
"Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are."

_____

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local
swimming baths?" He said "It depends where you're calling from."

_____

So I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside
my house." He said "I'm not stopping you."

_____

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad or my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
think it's Colin.

_____

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said "You've been promoted." And I swerved. And then he Rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director." And I went
into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
And I said "I careered off the road.

Ever ask yourself .....why?
>
> ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>
> ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
>
> ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
>
> ...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
>
> ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
>
> ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
> liquid is
> made with real lemons?
>
> ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
>
> ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
>
> ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?
>
> ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
>
> ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>
> ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
> indestructible black box
>
> ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
>
> ...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>
> ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>
> ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?