Office Trolley

Thursday, May 22, 2003

I'm forwarding this on behalf of all old codgers because it's so true! Why
I can even remember when we had musicians who could play their instruments
and songwriters who wrote good songs............


According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived,
because...

...Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which
was promptly chewed and licked.

...We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

...When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

...As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags -
riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

...We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted
the same.

...We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop
with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always
outside
playing.

...We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

...We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into
stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

...We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one
minded.

...We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99
channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no
personal
computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and
found them.

...We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
hurt.

...We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were
no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

...We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned
to get over it.

...We walked to friend's homes.

...We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy or
daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

...We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did
the live stuff live inside us forever.

...We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

...Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

...The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

...This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation
and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we
learned how to deal with it all.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that
most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said
it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it
is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Ralph
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two
friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate
down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened.

Love, Mom

Monday, May 19, 2003

Corny yet fun.......

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's
trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass
me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for
example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a
barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We
don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman
says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't
serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He
sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.
This is a complete fabrication.
In fact, we do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's
capability, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other
side of the road.

DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it felt
accomplishing its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens, crossing all the roads.
You may say I'm a dreamer - but its not the only hen.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.

ARSENE WENGER
What chicken? I did not see it.

ALEX FERGUSON
The chicken was not drawn to the other side fairly, and Beckham is not
bigger than this club.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
eChicken2003 version 1.0 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your cheque book - and internet
explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT
CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her
new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and
Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new
but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night
together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as
one. All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go
to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou
Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses
his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Morris is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more
"action". And once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.
You are truly a great lover, "Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was
here already?"

Mother's advice to her daughter about choosing a man:
#1, you need a man who has a good job and is a good provider.
#2, you need a man who worships you and treats you like a princess.
#3, you need a man who can make you laugh.
#4, you need a man who can satisfy you physically.
#5, you need to make sure that those four men never meet!

A young man called John invited his mother over for dinner. During the
course
of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome John's
flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the
two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between John and his flatmate than met the eye.
Reading his Mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates."

About a week later, Simon came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came
to dinner I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure.", said John. So he
sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle, but the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, John

Several days later John received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was
sleeping in his own bed he would have found the f****' gravy ladle by now!!
Love, Mum

Lesson of the day:
Don't Ever Lie to Your Mother! (she always, ALWAYS finds out)

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream for that."


"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."


A man takes his St Bernard to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."


So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"


Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night.

Friday, May 02, 2003

One Liners

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Thursday, May 01, 2003

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
> sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with
> her,so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
>
> Her doctor recommended that she visit Dr Chang, the well-known Chinese sex
> therapist. So she went to see him.
>
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, " OK, preeze take off
> aw your crose."
>
> The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
> to odder side of loom." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
>
> Dr Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So she
> did. Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You
> haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or
> dates."
>
> Confused, the woman asked, "O my God, Dr Chang, what is "Ed Zachary
> Disease"?
>
>
>
> "Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse."