Some old classic Insurance claim form statements;

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog out and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on
the claim form were:
Q - What warning did you give?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her
to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head
through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not
see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of
my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows."

Can you guess which of the following are true or false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot
more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6
years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
(especially if you had anything to do with the military!)
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for
water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head
are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just
in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for
a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women
who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE

More from Peter Kay;

* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and
sold the engine?

* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

* well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

* Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.

* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

* right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to
his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £9,500,000....
Woooohooo!!!!"
"That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, " Just f**k off ".
- - -
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side
of the road.
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
- - -
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came
second for a change!".
- - -
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if
I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like
two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to
Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

Male Sensitivity Test ... ( Be truthful)


1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.



2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both

shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Thirty tequila slammers.



3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss the footie.



4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.



5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. The part you must endure to have any chance of getting further
experiences.



6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You

tell her that it is:

A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for
her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.



7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.



8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.



9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the

end of a relationship?

A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be
friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."



10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure
you actually ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, just to be on
the safe side.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Some old Viz Top tips;

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in
the first place.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

14) A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pis*ing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes' exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.
See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.

24) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

29) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

30) A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
going back to sleep.

In accordance with our on going efficiency drive, management has determined
that there is no longer any need for network or software applications
support.
Our goal is to remove all computers from desktops by December 31, 2003.
After this time, all members of staff who can demonstrate a business need
will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch Pad.
Our Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Team has advised that this will
eliminate:
a) Operating System and Server problems
b) virus infections and
c) time-wasting through reading and writing e-mails, and surfing the
Internet.
Given the introduction of this new technology, our Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support team has set out below a number of Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A. Don't shake it.

Billy Connolly's 14 Things "I Hate About Everybody"

> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
> where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
> when I ask where the toilet is?
>
> 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
> room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
> the channel manually.
>
> 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
> F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
>
> 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
> is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
> do this??? Who and where are they???
>
> 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that!?". No
> tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking
> floor.
>
> 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
> choice there, did you sunshine?
>
> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
> there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
> there must have been something before it.
>
> 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
> damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
>
> 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
> yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Sh*t-head?
>
> 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
> So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?
>
> 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
> No,it's f*cking revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
>
> 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an
> image I really didn't need.
>
> 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
> insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
> McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have
> a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
>
> 14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
> alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off then.