Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious
Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the
Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's
strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun
she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it
ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she
crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the
road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was
hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old
daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young
Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,
and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers
coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly
collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the
judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried
to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after
he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was
met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father
had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for
failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston,
clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized
just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after
she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up
target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the
target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the
troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister
to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with
the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist
Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the
neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye
shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until
she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,
including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had
an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or
hospital for a check up.

9- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home
after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no
sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the
house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house,
filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a
note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly
lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years
had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire
the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his
property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's
officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served
with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited M
iss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.
What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine,
as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of
5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline
into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die
Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony
Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a
double sided white board that read Death to all N**g**s! on one side,
and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to
downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was
deceased.

12- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife
by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).
The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The
explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers
away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55
meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Another old one.........

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a pint of milk,
half a dozen eggs,
a litre of orange juice,
a Pot Noodle,
a 50g jar of coffee,
1/2 lb of bacon,
a bottle of red wine.

As she laid out her shopping at the checkout, the man next in the queue
piped up: "You're single, aren't you?"

The woman was a bit startled by this announcement but she was intrigued by
his acumen since she was, indeed, single.
She looked at her shopping and, seeing nothing she deemed particularly
unusual, asked him how he had come to his conclusion.
"Simple," he said, "You're ugly."

GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're

just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with
Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you
got there, and where you've come from

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually f*!k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I
don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER

Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.


A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day????


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These
are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. >From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

A traffic cop is driving down the motorway when he sees an irish lorry pull
over,
the driver walks to the side of the truck with a tire lever, bangs on the
side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down
the road the driver does the same thing.
A few more miles, same thing. The copper pulls the lorry over and asks the
driver to explain. The driver says, "Well, the load limit is ten tons, and
I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them
flying around."

Some of Sid Waddell's (Darts Commentator) interesting commentary........


Commentary on the World Embassy Darts


"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there
were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have
gone home."

"He's as cool as a prize marrow!"

"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in
eating a chip sandwich!"

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in
overall body strength."

"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba
the Hutt"

"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who
knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."

"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"

"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"

"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"

"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another
leg."

"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"

"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"

"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "Give me
back my banana!""

On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming
down a mountain!"

"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"

"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"

"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"

"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."

"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."

"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of
Waterworld."

"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any
better than this."

"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips
with his stake."

"That Lad could throw 180 standing one legged in a hammock."

"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"

"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."

"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a
chimpanzees tea party!"

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed."

"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a
pea-shooter!"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of
chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured,
whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of
Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham Super league."

"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your
neck out."

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup."

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed
the christians to the lions."

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts
orbit!"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the christians were on the menu."

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
choo-choo train!"

"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple
of inter-continental ballistic missiles."

"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out
there!"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.....

* * * * * *
Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
* * * * * *
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."

* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

Very silly.......

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better
than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the £500. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet owner coughs up the £500.

Then MacDougal,a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table.
The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off
with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?

Only in Britain... can a pizza get
to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk
all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain
the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of
pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in
front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on
their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins
from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives
instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas
tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that
Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after
cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper
with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two
years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out
of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up
into the Toilet............................
RULE BRITANNIA!

Apologies to all ladies, the following post is highly sexist.

But funny nonetheless.............


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.