Top tips

courtesy of Viz...

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it.

If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD
viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the
time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen.

Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your
old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night
drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and
post it to yourself via DHL.

You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right
arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing
half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the
sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This
will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing
something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you,
beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.

This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In
the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry
for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone
whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your
watch and occasionally glancing inside.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so
they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't
give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the
house after you've been banged.