Office Trolley

Chauvenist answer

2007-08-24T17:01:00.001Z

> Son asked his mother the following question:
>
> "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
> Replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is
> pure."
>
> The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
> "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
>
> The father looks at his son in surprise and says,"Son, all household
> appliances come in white."

Got one over on the lazy police

2007-06-24T19:08:00.001Z

http://humor.beecy.net/misc/jobad/robber-shot.jpg

2007-06-24T18:34:00.001Z

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Sally" instead of "Steve"

Tax Man

2007-05-13T23:30:00.001Z

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to

audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I

notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings"?

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to

The candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free

box of

candles".

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual

question had a practical answer, but on he went, in his obnoxious

way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with

the crumbs"?

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was

trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them

and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they

send a free box of holy biscuits".

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do

you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you

perform"?

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is

save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about

once a year they send us a complete dick.

Speeding

2007-05-03T08:03:00.000Z

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 140. Suddenly he thought, "What the
heck am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the
trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Courtroom Quotes

2007-03-21T13:41:00.000Z

Actual courtroom transcripts from the book "Disorder in the Court."

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Did he kill you?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

--------------------------------------------------

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law somewhere.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Chicken farmer

2007-01-27T16:14:00.000Z

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is
a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also
celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they
clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a
child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a
chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but
today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your
chickens become fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a
coincidence..."

The 3 minute management course

2007-01-25T14:47:00.000Z

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish.

" Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

" Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
BullSh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course.

Top tips

2007-01-19T14:12:00.000Z

courtesy of Viz...

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your
favourite tune and hum it.

If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song
you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD
viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the
time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid
having your identity stolen.

Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your
old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night
drinking red wine?

Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and
post it to yourself via DHL.

You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right
arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they
set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing
half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the
sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This
will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to
yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the
impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing
something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you,
beep your horn and wave your arms frantically.

This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In
the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.
All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry
for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone
whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police
will think you are listening to the sea.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by
standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your
watch and occasionally glancing inside.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from.
Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so
they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

And the absolute belter for last

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't
give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the
house after you've been banged.

Your usual Irish stereotype joke

2006-12-13T21:52:00.000Z

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire"
He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1million
quid. "Paddy, for £1million, who was the great train robber? Was it,

A, Ronnie Barker...
B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
D, Ronnie Biggs???"

Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"
Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"
"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - final answer"
"OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause ladies and
gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000. However before you go, you'll
obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"
"You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?"
Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no feckin grass

Chain letter

2006-12-13T11:14:00.000Z

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.432 / Virus Database: 268.15.16/582 - Release Date: 11/12/2006 16:32

At last !! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid

schemes, this one costs nothing, and you can only win.

Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS:

Anaesthetize your wife, put her in a large carton, (don't forget some

ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your

list.

Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542

women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds

2.5 Models

463 Wild nymphos

3,234 Good-looking nymphos

20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms

40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and

tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.

And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those

that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his

friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent

her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial

expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd

been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with

his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has

already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from

exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL.

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that

only interest women).

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like

marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9

of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner;

one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can

prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

Tony Blair v The Queen

2006-12-08T14:51:00.000Z

Tony Blair was at his weekly meeting with the Queen when he said, "As I'm
the PM, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to.... I'm
thinking that it should be a kingdom". To which the Queen replied, "I'm
sorry Mr. Blair, but to be a kingdom you have to have a king in charge -
and you're not a king."

Tony Blair thought a while and then said, "How about a principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Sorry again, but to be a principality you
have to be a prince - you're not a prince Mr. Blair."

Again, Blair thought long and hard and came up with, "How about an emperor
then?" The Queen, getting a little p***ed off by now, replied ""Sorry
again Mr. Blair, but to be an empire you must have an emperor in charge -
and you are not an emperor."

Before Tony Blair could utter another word the Queen said, "I think we're
doing quite nicely as a country!"

Mood Ring

2006-11-29T06:41:00.000Z

My husband, who's not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

GREEK PHILOSOPHY

2006-11-15T14:20:00.000Z

> Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either
> hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
>
> In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely
> lauded for his wisdom.
>
> One day the great philosopher came upon an
> acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,
> "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
> one of your students?"
>
> "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
> me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called
> the Triple Filter Test."
>
> "Triple filter?"
>
> "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you
> talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to
> filter what you're going to say. The first filter is
> Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you
> are about to tell me is true?"
>
> "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it
> and..."
>
> "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really
> know if it's true or not.
> Now let's try the second filter, the filter of
> Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my
> student something good?"
>
> "No, on the contrary..."
>
> "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
> something bad about him, even though you're not
> certain it's true?"
>
> The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
>
> Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test
> though, because there is a third filter - the filter
> of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell
> me about my student going to be useful to me?"
>
> "No, not really"
>
> "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
> me is neither True nor Good nor Useful, why tell it to
> me at all?"
>
> The man was defeated and ashamed.
>
> This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
> and held in such high esteem.
>
> It also explains why he never found out that Plato was
> banging his wife.

Definition of Hell

2006-11-03T13:11:00.000Z

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and
since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence
of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

A Senior Moment

2006-10-23T09:17:00.000Z

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and
after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went
out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally
saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone
you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen
and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?"

Interesting if its true

2006-10-22T17:06:00.000Z

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and
expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great
cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on
the policy the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In
his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the
judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the
company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining
what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay
the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his
loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer
was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
Criminal Lawyers Award

Catholic Heart Attack

2006-10-02T14:33:00.000Z

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank".

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied: "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Yes I know its an old one....but

2006-09-26T08:56:00.000Z

Painting the porch..........

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do
neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
Well, you can paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the
house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think
she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by
all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

7 reasons not to mess with children..

2006-09-14T13:06:00.000Z

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was

Very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell ?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each

Child's' work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat

our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had

several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's

A doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my

Head, the blood, as y u know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said..

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of

Apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.. God is watching the Apples.

Doctors waiting room

2006-09-11T14:11:00.000Z

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is very embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??"
"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

Little johnny

2006-08-23T12:30:00.000Z

LITTLE JOHNNY WATCHED HIS DADDY'S CAR PASS BY THE SCHOOL PLAYGROUND AND
GO INTO THE WOODS. CURIOUS, HE FOLLOWED THE CAR AND SAW DADDY AND AUNT
JANE IN A PASSIONATE EMBRACE. LITTLE JOHNNY FOUND THIS SO EXCITING THAT
HE COULD NOT CONTAIN HIMSELF AS HE RAN HOME AND STARTED TO TELL HIS
MOTHER.

"MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND I SAW DADDY'S CAR GO INTO THE WOODS
WITH AUNT JANE. I WENT BACK TO LOOK AND HE WAS GIVING AUNT JANE A BIG
KISS, THEN HE HELPED HER TAKE OFF HER SHIRT. THEN AUNT JANE HELPED DADDY
TAKE HIS PANTS OFF, THEN AUNT JANE........"

AT THIS POINT MOMMY CUT HIM OFF AND SAID, "JOHNNY, THIS IS SUCH AN
INTERESTING STORY, SUPPOSE YOU SAVE THE REST OF IT FOR SUPPER TIME. I
WANT TO SEE THE LOOK ON DADDY'S FACE WHEN YOU TELL IT TONIGHT."

AT THE DINNER TABLE, MOMMY ASKED LITTLE JOHNNY TO TELL HIS STORY. JOHNNY
STARTED HIS STORY, "I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND I SAW DADDY'S CAR GO
INTO THE WOODS WITH AUNT JANE. I WENT BACK TO LOOK AND HE WAS GIVING
AUNT JANE A BIG KISS, THEN HE HELPED HER TAKE OFF HER SHIRT.

THEN AUNT JANE HELPED DADDY TAKE HIS PANTS OFF, THEN AUNT JANE AND DADDY
STARTED DOING THE SAME THING THAT MOMMY AND UNCLE BILL USED TO DO WHEN
DADDY WAS IN THE ARMY."

MOMMY FAINTED!

MORAL: SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THE WHOLE STORY BEFORE
YOU INTERRUPT.

Old but still good

2006-07-31T13:10:00.000Z

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk a carton of eggs 2 litres of orange juice a head of lettuce
half a dozen tomatoes a 500g jar of coffee a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated "You
must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was intrigued by The derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing Particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Recruiting Cannibals

2006-07-10T10:48:00.000Z

A large hospital recently hired several cannibals as it couldn't find
enough British staff. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR
manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and
you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but
please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss
remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your
work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you
know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary ?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!", the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But, NOOOooo, you had to go and
eat someone who actually does something."

How men differ from women

2006-07-03T11:03:00.000Z

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave & John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller & none will actually admit they want change back.

* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

* A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.

* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.

* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

* Women love cats.

* Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

* Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

* What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.Your trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

* What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW

silly

2006-06-28T08:50:00.000Z

Living Wills..........be careful in their use

While I was watching the world cup, my wife and I got
into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills.

During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to
exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and taking fluids
from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

Interesting

2006-06-19T09:23:00.000Z

1. In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule
of thumb".

2. Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.

3. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
and Wilma Flintstone.

4. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

5. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.

6. Coca-Cola was originally green.

7. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

8. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000.

9. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

10. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

11. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

12. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

13. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the
air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse
has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

14. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
you would find the letter "A"?......One thousand.

15. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?......All invented by women.

16. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?......Honey.

17. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer
to sleep on. Hence the phrase........."goodnight, sleep tight."

18. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son- in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.

19. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase
"mind your P's and Q's."

20. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can
read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a
porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Anagrams anyone?

2006-06-08T14:32:00.000Z

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMI TY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Talking Dog!

2006-06-07T13:56:00.000Z

A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?"

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty
young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight
years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

The owner says, "Ten quid."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"'Cos he's a f****ng liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

oops

2006-05-15T16:14:00.000Z

An elderly couple was attending church services.

About halfway through she leans over and says, "he he - I just did a
silent fart"

He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Two Jags?

2006-05-11T14:28:00.000Z

Q - What does John Prescott have in common with Ikea flat-pack furniture?

A - One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Drinking buddies

2006-04-28T12:24:00.000Z

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having

a beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass

in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:

"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to

drink from the same one twice."

The Aussie, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to

pieces and says:

"Well mate, in Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the

glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.

The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South
African and the Australian and then says: "In London we have so many
bloody South Africans

and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost

2006-04-25T13:19:00.000Z

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where
I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is,
technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot
air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are
in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."

And people say I drive fast!

2006-04-21T16:47:00.000Z

On an August morning in 1978, French filmmaker Claude Lelouch mounted
a gyro-stabilized camera to the bumper of a Ferrari 275 GTB and had a
friend, a professional Formula 1 racer, drive at breakneck speed
through the heart of Paris. The film was limited for technical reasons
to 10 minutes; the course was from Porte Dauphine, through the Louvre,
to the Basilica of Sacre Coeur.

No streets were closed, for Lelouch was unable to obtain a permit.

The driver completed the course in about 9 minutes, reaching nearly
140 MPH in some stretches. The footage reveals him running real red
lights, nearly hitting real pedestrians, and driving the wrong way up
real one-way streets.

Upon showing the film in public for the first time, Lelouch was
arrested. He has never revealed the identity of the driver, and the
film went underground until a DVD release a few years ago.

Heres the link - What a lunatic

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2851488008488190547

Speeding Joke

2006-04-18T15:22:00.000Z

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A
senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Truly Amazing Juggling video

2006-04-18T14:26:00.000Z

This is pretty damn incredible

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776181634656145640

9 months later..........

2006-04-18T12:32:00.000Z

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked
the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and sh*g her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry,buddy. I'm afraid I
did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought this was going to be a predictable ending, didn't
you?)

Stella Awards (again no doubt)

2006-04-13T10:55:00.000Z

I think this will definitely have done the rounds before - but - in
case you've not seen it
....

THE STELLA AWARDS

Forget the Oscars, Baftas, Naftas and all that lot, The Stella Awards are
more fun. They were named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck who spilled
coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the
'Stella Awards' for the most frivolous but successful lawsuits in the United
States.

THIS YEAR'S AWARDS GO TO:

5th Place (Tied)

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving toddler was Ms.
Robertson's son.

5th Place (Tied)

19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently did not notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when
he was trying to steal the hubcaps.

5th Place (Tied)

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage
door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
could not reenter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation and Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for 8 days. He subsisted on a
case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish The Jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's
Beagle dog The Beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
a little provoked at the time as Mr. Williams, who had climbed over the
fence into the yard, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier, during an argument.

2nd Place

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a Night Club in a
neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and
knocked out two of her front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was
trying to sneak in the window of the Ladies Room to avoid paying the
$3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is:

This year's runaway winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new Winnebago Motor home. On
his trip home from an OU football game, having driven onto the freeway,
he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to
go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the
RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not advising him in the owner's manual that he could not actually do
this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new Winnebago Motor home.
The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit just
in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreational
vehicles.

Bill Gates and GM

2006-04-13T10:53:00.000Z

Bill gates told General motors that if they had followed his example,
they would by now be producing $25 cars that did 1000 mpg.

In a press release they replied that if they had,
their cars would crash twice a day,
their controls would function differently on each journey,
in an accident the air bag would ask "are you sure",
and one would have to press "START" in order to stop!

Only In America

2006-04-13T10:50:00.000Z

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS:     No, I just lie there.

    ___________________________


    ATTORNEY:   What is your date of birth?

    WITNESS:     July 18th.

    ATTORNEY:   What year?

    WITNESS:     Every year.

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

    WTNES:          Yes.

    ATTORNEY:     And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS:        I forget.

    ATTORNEY:     You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY:    How old is your son, the one living with you?

    WITNESS:       Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

    ATTORNEY:    How long has he lived with you?

    WITNESS:       Forty-five years.

    ____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS:     He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

    ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS:      My name is Susan.

    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS:      We both do.

    ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?

    WITNESS:      We do.

    ATTORNEY:   You do?

    WITNESS:      Yes, voodoo.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ___________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS:      Would you repeat the question?

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS:       Yes.

    ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS:      Uh....

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     She had three children, right?

    WITNESS:       Yes.

    ATTORNEY:     How many were boys?

    WITNESS:       None.

    ATTORNEY:     Were there any girls?

    ___________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS:      By death.

    ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY:      Was this a male or a female?

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS:        All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS:       Oral.

    ______________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

    ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS:      Huh?

    _____________________________________


    ATTORNEY:     Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS:       No.

    ATTORNEY:     Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS:       No.

    ATTORNEY      Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS:       No.

    ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS:       No.

    ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

    WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY:    But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

    WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Joke I heard

2006-04-12T21:23:00.000Z

Since the announcement about Bootcamp and WinXP on mac, I heard this
joke that tickled me a little.

Whats the difference between OS X and Windows Vista...

Microsoft employees are excited about OS X.

2005-03-18T13:23:00.000Z

Read this at b3ta.com and found it funny.

Never complain to soap writers
"I love the UK police soap The Bill: but when
they introduced a new WPC, Honey Harmon, I was
so disgusted with her lack of acting ability
that I emailed the producers to ask who she
had shagged to get the role. No response.
Then about a couple of months later there
was a panning shot across the office taking
in the white boards in the background: There
was my name in big black letters with a ring
around it in for a child sexual assault case!
The bastards!" (Catchag)

Message from www.dating.com

2005-03-18T12:04:00.000Z

Your Advert has been running for 3 weeks on www.dating.com and has received
no responses as yet. would you like us to remove your photograph for 1
week?

2005-03-17T16:52:00.000Z

Sorry it's been so long since last post - couldn't be arsed! Only joking, my humour sources on the interweb appeared to have dried up. I suppose I will have to actively find some through my own means!

Here is one for starters...... In response to Ellen MacArthur's recent circumnavigation in a boat sponsores and named B&Q (DIY homestore), this is a copy of an e-mail received by B&Q customer services:

Dear Sir/Madam

My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later.

Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away?

Yours Sincerely

John Roberts

2004-09-16T08:27:00.000Z

A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter welcomed her:

"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"

"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all eternity."

"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR Manager into the downward bound elevator. As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were many friends past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she stepped into the

elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.

"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."

The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose hell."

Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old sacks. The Devil approached and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff."

2004-08-11T16:38:00.000Z

THINGS YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE TO BE A REPUBLICAN TODAY:

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made
war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when
Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches
while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to
all Americans is socialism.

HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism
should be taught in schools.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.

A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which
include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your
recovery.

You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can
tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what
Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

2004-07-15T14:56:00.000Z

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about
to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him
excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of
your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student
let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter
is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me
is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a
third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about
my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True
nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

2004-07-12T08:25:00.000Z

HA HA HA - I've never heard this before

The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN AND THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. ??? ??.. ??.. ??. ??. ??. ??. ??.
BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F*ck off.

2004-07-01T15:54:00.000Z

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club... A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to
talk...
Everyone else in the room stops to listen...

MAN: "Hello"...
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club...?"
MAN: "Yes"...
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat...It's
only $1,000... Is it OK if I buy it...?"
MAN: "Sure ... go ahead if you like it that much"...
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models... I saw one I really liked"...
MAN: "How much...?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"...
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options"...
WOMAN: "Great...! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year
is back
on the market... They're asking $950,000"...
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000"...
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later... ! I love you...!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too".! ..

The man hangs up... The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment... Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to...?"

2004-07-01T12:48:00.000Z

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars
for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get
just to stay alive."
"Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man
asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20
years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of
food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take
you home for a Terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for
doing that?" I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex".

2004-07-01T10:29:00.000Z

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have
been worse. These are actual quotes taken from employee performance
evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has
started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for
it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

2004-06-30T13:15:00.000Z

Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary.

TESTICULATING Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS. The process by which people seem to
absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working
hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only
to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This
also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE. The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the
rank and file.Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless
paperwork and processes. 404. Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide
Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could
not be located.

OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've
just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')
WOOFies. Well Off Older Folk.

CROP DUSTING Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then
enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

2004-06-29T09:53:00.000Z

Sweet justice...
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary.
His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's
multimillion dollar home, and since the man's lawyers were a little better,
he prevailed.
He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day
packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat
down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight,
put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of prawns, a jar
of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into
each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten prawn shells, dipped in
caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen
and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the
first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
everything; cleaning & mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked
for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit... Repairmen refused to
work in the house... The maid quit... Finally, they could not take the
stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had
cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He
told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that
she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price
that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth... but only if she
were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his
lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....including
the curtain rods.

2004-06-18T08:10:00.000Z

I have probably posted these Peter Kaye lines SO many times before, but I never tire of them....

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

You know that look women get when they want sex?
No?
Me neither.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
>said,'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I
stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale
and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston
By Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened
criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and
stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked!
From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
nervous and give the wrong answers.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away
from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Life is a game of Pitch & Toss. Some people are pitchers. You,
unfortunately, are not

2004-06-09T08:41:00.000Z

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney,
Australia. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food
exceptional.
"But" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of
his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the
5th drink for you."
"Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there is
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the
House."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."
"Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my
sister."

Apologies in advance to our Liverpudlian contingent for these two........

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouser bloke 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously
gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella
finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.
Leaning
over, he cups his huge ear "Do you want a bl*w job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him
all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car
park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened. Amazed the
bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like
that" he says "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the
counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a
very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin
daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform
provided. Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their
overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year".
The scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you f****** started it

2004-05-18T14:31:00.000Z

There's this guy standing at a bus stop. He notices that the guy in front of him has a huge orange head. He can't help but ask ...

"What happened to your head?"
"Well, I was walking along the street the other day when I found this magic lamp, so I gave it a rub, out pops a genie, grants me three wishes. First off, I wish for a giant pile of cash. Puff of smoke, there it is. Second wish, I wish for a beautiful wife. Another puff of smoke, and there she is."

"Cool. So what did you wish for with your third wish?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
"I wished for a huge orange head!"

2004-05-17T13:44:00.000Z

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises
both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for
sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says,
"There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them
and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several
weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no
problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,but
I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says,"
We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her
house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges
The Hilton charges. With your help, we do it for £100 and I get it back from
BUPA!"

2004-05-14T12:05:00.000Z

I wonder if you can tell this one was forwarded in an e-mail >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

> >Being a bloke is great because....
> > >
> > >
> > >Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
> > >Your last name stays put.
> > >The garage is all yours
> > >Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> > >You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
> > >Car mechanics tell you the truth.
> > >You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
> > >Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
> > >Wrinkles add character.
> > >A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you
> > >tarnished.
> > >You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
> > >People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
> > >The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
> > >Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything
> > >different?"
> > >You can throw a ball more than 5 feet.
> > >One mood, ALL the damn time.
> > >You can open all your own jars.
> > >Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
> > >You can go to a public toilet without a support group.
> > >You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
> > >You can kill your own food.
> > >You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
> > >If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be
> your
> > >friend.
> > >If you are 30 and single, nobody notices
> > >Everything on your face stays its original colour.
> > >You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
> > >Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
> > >You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
> > >You can sit in silence watching a football game with your mate for
> hours
> > >without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
> > >You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
> > >If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
>
> > >become lifelong friends.
> > >The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
> > >You don't have to shave below your neck.
> > >One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
> > >You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
> > >You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
> > >Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December
> 24th,
> > >in 45 minutes.
>

2004-04-30T09:10:00.000Z

SOME CLASSIC VIZ TOP TIPS

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour
a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you
from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding
at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place, you fat b******s.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
p*ssing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your s*x life by trying a bit of 'rodeo s*x'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment
from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and
check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and
driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB
digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a
Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

2004-04-30T09:06:00.000Z

A list of things you would never know if it weren't for television.

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. Beds have strange L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a
woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.

5. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

6. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one
will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building without difficulty.

7. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

9. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

10. People on TV never finish their drinks.

11. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

12. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note
- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact
fare.

13. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

14. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

15. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip
club at least once.

16. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every
morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

17. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

18. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.

19. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax
and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

22. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

23. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than
20 men firing at one.

24. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically
beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

25. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any
of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

26. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their
predecessor.

27. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you
are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their
back.

28. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will
still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

29. Dogs always know how to spot villains and will bark at them and no one
else.

30. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

31. When they are alone, all foreigners somehow prefer to speak English to
each other.

32. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a
thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the
vicinity.

33. There's always a chainsaw around when you need one.

34. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at
least 20 minutes to escape.

35. All bombs are fitted with helpful electronic timing devices that have
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

36. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

37. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

38. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

39. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.

2004-04-28T08:35:00.000Z

Sorry its been so long since I last posted........so heres some reallllllllly old ones

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
>One turns to the other and says "dam"
>**********
>Two peanuts walk into a bar
>One was a salted.
>**********
>A jump-lead walks into a bar.
>The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
>**********
>A sandwich walks into a bar.
>The barman says, "Sorry - we don't serve food in here."
>**********
>A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
>**********
>A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
>says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
>**********
>Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
>The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.
>**********
>Two cannibals are eating a clown.
>One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
>**********
>"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." That
>sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
>
>
>**********
>Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
>Dolly:
>"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
>"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
>"It's true, no bull!"
>**********
>A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts.
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>
>**********
>Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
>One says, "I've lost my electron."
>The other says, "Are you sure?"
>The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
>**********
>Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh#t before.
>**********
>A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
>cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "Well," says the
>vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and
>examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm
>going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>
>**********
>Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5
>people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
>or my dad......or maybe my older brother Colin, or my younger
>brother Ho-Cha-Chu, but I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
>
>
>**********
>I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
>find any.
>**********
>I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
>couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the
>steaks are too high."
>
>
>**********
>My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
>He was pulled in by a strong currant.
>*********
>A man walks into doctor's office.
>"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
>"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
>"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a
>glove."
>
>
>**********
>What do you call a fish with no eyes?
>A fsh
>********
>Two fish are in a tank
>One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

2004-03-17T08:53:00.000Z

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

"Excuthe me mither, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on
her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, blushing, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quite voice,

"I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck"

2004-03-10T16:47:00.000Z

Men are Happier because........

What would you expect from such simple creatures?!

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station because this one's
just to tricky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress -- £5000; tux rental -- £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45
minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

2004-03-10T16:45:00.000Z

LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?"replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f*cking business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides
of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and
sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. "Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied," The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*cking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!"
Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!"

2004-02-16T09:39:00.000Z

A real old classic this one, but always a good one.......

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe
sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with
the aircraft during the flight which need repair or correction. The
mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing
on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and
the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and
problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

( P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
( S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: You're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

2004-02-11T11:42:00.000Z

Bear with me on this.........(Sorry, but it's likely that our stateside friends will not identify with this one)

School Football Rules and Regs.

Duration

Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a
lunchtime.

Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell, and
although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play may
continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism or
"bottle" of the participants with regard to punishment meted out to
latecomers back to the classroom.

In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to
stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those
who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the teachers to
down the last of their gins and journey from the staffroom, known as
"chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a teacher actually
has to physically retrieve them, known as "barmpots".

This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a match
in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the number
of remaining participants drops.

It is important, therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair
balance of poofs, chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline
achieved over a sustained period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is
not totally nullified by a five-minute post-bell onslaught of five
barmpots against one.

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match is
in the trust of the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be
the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved
manners (see Adjudication).

Parameters

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of
jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout
the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing
weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each
jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on
the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is
also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across
the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball went "over the
post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the outstretched sleeve
denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the inside of the post.
The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of
any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with
resourcefulness and imagination.

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is
observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height at
which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie
with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the
"best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical
violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the
boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads
or canals. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines
are denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead,
a scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with
the ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and
should escalate to include as many team members as can get there before
the now egg-shaped ball finally emerges, drunkenly and often with a
dismembered foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look
out for the player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins
bearing down on goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be
unaware that the ball is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper
should also try not to be distracted by the inevitable fighting that has
by this point broken out.

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously
denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence
of roads, water hazards or a big dog, the width is determined by how far
out the attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets
fed up and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are
waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that
the playing area is "not a full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally
to justify placing a wall of players eighteen inches from the ball at
direct free kicks It is the formal response to "yards", which the
kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he places the ball.

The Ball

There is a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football.
I shall describe three notable examples.

1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in
the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst.
Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's
Premier League sides printed all over it. Advantages: low sting factor,
low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages a long-ball game.
Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to
control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to
return.

2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On
the verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is
not for sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes
as a kind of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass,
stuffed with neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish. Advantages:
looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers won't even
attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it touches.

3. The "Tubey". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over
colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete,
but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially
keepers. Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying
"whump" noise when you kick it. Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball
when wet, smells like a dead dog.

Offside

There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's not a full-size pitch",
and two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an
offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These
players hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the
other end, awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help
past the keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their
arms in the air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known
variously as "poachers", "gloryhunters" and "bastards". These players
display a remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own
appraisals of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates'
failure to appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it
can be for nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so
bitterly despised.

Adjudication

The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the
opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted
ways of doing this.

1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both
sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the
spirit of competition. For example, in the event of a dispute as to
whether the ball in fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone
inside or "over" the post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum:
"Penalty or goal." It is not recorded whether any side has ever opted for
the latter. It is on occasions that such arrangements or ultimata do not
prove acceptable to both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes
into play.

2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand
that the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with
the hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner
says is just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical
principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively
elected

Team Selection

To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically
in a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are
usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their
first selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a
fair balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't
have their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely
bleeding noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly
meritocratic order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness,
but not forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players'
ability, there is also a sliding scale of players' brutality and
propensities towards motiveless violence. A selecting captain might baffle
a talented striker by picking the less nimble Big Jezza ahead of him, and
may explain, perhaps in the words of Linden B Johnson upon his retention
of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the FBI, that he'd "rather have him
inside the tent pissing out, than outside the tent pissing in".

Special consideration is also given during the selection process to the
owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be "his game", and he
must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he takes the huff at
being picked late and withdraws his favours.

Another aspect of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with
the game at senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will
inevitably be the last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game,
where the goalkeeper is often the tallest member of his team, in the
playground, the goalkeeper is usually the smallest. Senior aficionados
must appreciate that playground selectors have a different agenda and are
looking for altogether different properties in a goalkeeper. These can be
listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting ability, meekness, fear and
anything else that makes it easier for their team-mates to banish the poor
bugger between the sticks while they go off in search of personal glory up
the other end.

Tactics

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from
among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the
playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose
1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of
play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes the playground
game such a renowned and strategically engrossing spectacle. Just as the
5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as "Cattenaccio", the
1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is best described as
"Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside)
migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the
ball, and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains
within a ten-yard radius of it at all times.

Stoppages

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen
in the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is
nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed
below.

Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument
to decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale
the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to
play. Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the
ball and any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into
forbidden territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged
responsible for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in
his stead or the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to
observe that A: "You can't make me"; or B: "It's not my ball".

Stray dog on pitch.
An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does not have to make
off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking loudly, snarling
and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This will ensure a
dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of them
simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the
threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes be gauged by the
breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten minutes to tire
itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack Russell may take
up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the gates. An
Alsatian means instant abandonment.

Bigger boys steal ball.
A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by the
players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The intruders will
seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their own kickabout
amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger players to attempt
to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and unimpressed usually
results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and engaging in attempts
to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage indefinitely. Informing the
intruders that one of the players' older brother is "Mad Pat Murphy" or
some other noted local pugilist can also ensure minimum delay.

Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.
More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the
school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner
transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life to
nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their ball
cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted
to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but instruction on
how to achieve this without actually having the bloody thing is not
usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances, even when the
return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman
may result in the more serious stoppage:
Menopausal old bag calls police.

Celebration.
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their
hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed
terraces. Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to
the importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance,
making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make
the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's contribution. A
fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will
elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more
magnanimous of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic
scramble will be heralded with the epithet "poachin' bastard" from the
opposing defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates. Applying an
unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the goal will
elicit a punch on the nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to
head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten
will elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it
should be stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met
with universal acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three
categories.

*Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's
not a full-size pitch".

Penalties

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed
penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is
simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable
margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is
comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.

Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these
kicks, and are buggered if anyone else is going to steal any of it.

Close Season.
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon
is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket
for about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as
boring to play as it is to watch.

2004-02-02T10:33:00.000Z

Very silly......

Mary had a little skirt
With splits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked
The boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
Twas split right up the front
... but she didn't wear that one very often.

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
'Pies, you d#ckhead.'

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Said 'F*ck him, he's only an egg.'

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
When the boys came out to play
He kissed them too,
'cause he was that way.

Jack and Jill Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone
When she bent over Rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew. Hey. He needed the money.

2004-01-26T15:56:00.000Z

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious
Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the
Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a
20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's
strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun
she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it
ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she
crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the
road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was
hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old
daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young
Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should,
and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers
coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly
collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the
judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried
to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after
he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was
met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father
had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for
failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston,
clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized
just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after
she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the
troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up
target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the
target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the
troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael
because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister
to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with
the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist
Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the
neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye
shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until
she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms,
including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had
an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or
hospital for a check up.

9- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother
Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home
after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no
sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the
house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house,
filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a
note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly
lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the
early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years
had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire
the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his
property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's
officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served
with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited M
iss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.
What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine,
as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of
5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline
into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die
Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony
Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a
double sided white board that read Death to all N**g**s! on one side,
and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to
downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was
deceased.

12- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife
by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4).
The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The
explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers
away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55
meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

2004-01-24T02:13:00.000Z

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

2004-01-23T09:37:00.000Z

Another old one.........

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a pint of milk,
half a dozen eggs,
a litre of orange juice,
a Pot Noodle,
a 50g jar of coffee,
1/2 lb of bacon,
a bottle of red wine.

As she laid out her shopping at the checkout, the man next in the queue
piped up: "You're single, aren't you?"

The woman was a bit startled by this announcement but she was intrigued by
his acumen since she was, indeed, single.
She looked at her shopping and, seeing nothing she deemed particularly
unusual, asked him how he had come to his conclusion.
"Simple," he said, "You're ugly."

2004-01-22T11:28:00.000Z

GOING FOR A McSHIT

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're

just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with
Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you
got there, and where you've come from

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is
common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a
speed.

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually f*!k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so

the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PICASSO ARSE

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL

Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I
don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

WYNONA RYDER

Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e. g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a
bottle of tart fuel please Doreen"

2004-01-20T09:25:00.000Z

Are ya havin' a Bad Day????

Well, then, consider this...............................

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the
same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something
to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as
to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a
worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause
of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of
the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see
for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some
were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects
to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support
system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two
of the most expensively saved animals were being released back
into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire
running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to
jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a
handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that
moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day????

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two
thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence,
stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

2004-01-20T09:17:00.000Z

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. These
are genuine excerpts from the forms:

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins; child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives
a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that
to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you
and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. >From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I
remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby; after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

2004-01-19T12:08:00.000Z

A traffic cop is driving down the motorway when he sees an irish lorry pull
over,
the driver walks to the side of the truck with a tire lever, bangs on the
side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down
the road the driver does the same thing.
A few more miles, same thing. The copper pulls the lorry over and asks the
driver to explain. The driver says, "Well, the load limit is ten tons, and
I'm carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I've got to keep some of them
flying around."

2004-01-16T09:57:00.000Z

Some of Sid Waddell's (Darts Commentator) interesting commentary........

Commentary on the World Embassy Darts

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there
were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have
gone home."

"He's as cool as a prize marrow!"

"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in
eating a chip sandwich!"

"He's playing out of his pie crust."

"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."

"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."

"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in
overall body strength."

"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba
the Hutt"

"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who
knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."

"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"

"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"

"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"

"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another
leg."

"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"

"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"

"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "Give me
back my banana!""

On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming
down a mountain!"

"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"

"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"

"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"

"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."

"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."

"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of
Waterworld."

"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any
better than this."

"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips
with his stake."

"That Lad could throw 180 standing one legged in a hammock."

"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"

"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."

"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a
chimpanzees tea party!"

"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"

"He's about as predictable as a wasp on speed."

"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a
pea-shooter!"

"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of
chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"

"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."

"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured,
whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of
Notre Dame."

"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham Super league."

"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."

"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."

"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your
neck out."

"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."

"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."

"He is as slick as minestrone soup."

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed
the christians to the lions."

"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts
orbit!"

"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
Coliseum when the christians were on the menu."

"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
choo-choo train!"

"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple
of inter-continental ballistic missiles."

"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"

"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out
there!"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."

"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

2004-01-16T09:55:00.000Z

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.....

* * * * * *
Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
* * * * * *
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat."

* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

2004-01-15T13:38:00.000Z

Very silly.......

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager £500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better
than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the £500. Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet owner coughs up the £500.

Then MacDougal,a Scotsman, plonks some bagpipes on the table.
The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off
with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

2004-01-14T13:14:00.000Z

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn
on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down
the volume on the radio?

2004-01-13T13:36:00.000Z

Only in Britain... can a pizza get
to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk
all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain
the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of
pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain... are there disabled parking places in
front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on
their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins
from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives
instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas
tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that
Christmas decorations were chocolate.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after
cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys
pulled out of the soles of their feet
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper
with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two
years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out
of control Scalextric cars.
And finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up
into the Toilet............................
RULE BRITANNIA!

2004-01-09T16:12:00.000Z

Apologies to all ladies, the following post is highly sexist.

But funny nonetheless.............

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.

2003-12-19T15:13:00.000Z

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-- who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
>--Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children"
>--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4)"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house,"
>--Rod Stewart

5)"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
>--Jeff Foxworthy

6) "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and
only enough blood to run one at a time."
>--Robin Williams

7) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
>--Dave Barry

8) "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
>--Marilyn Pittman

9) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
>--Bob Ettinger

10) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim."
>--Paula Poundstone

11) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
>--Conan O'Brien

12) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a
slow learner."
>--Lynda Montgomery

13) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
>--Richard Jeni

14) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
>--Johnny Carson

15) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
>--Paul Rodriguez

16) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
and that's the law."
>--Jerry Seinfeld

17) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
>--Warren Hutcherson

18) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
>--Oscar Wilde

19) "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
Congress . . . . But I repeat myself."
>--Mark Twain

20) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan!"
>--A . Whitney Brown

21) "Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet."
>--Robin Williams

22) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as
the only time of the month that I can be myself."
>--Roseanne

23) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
>--Billy Crystal

24) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
>--Dave Barry

25) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken.
>--Unknown, presumed deceased

2003-12-17T11:44:00.000Z

My Apologies for this one, its old and very bad, but its festive!

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one
night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.
They were just about to begin arguing with each other about
whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official
walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade
Rudolf whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade
Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"
To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolf the Red knows
rain, dear."

2003-12-11T16:02:00.000Z

This letter, from the (British) Inland Revenue, was just recently
printed in The Guardian.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt
reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the
points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last
communication as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly
be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland
Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred
to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of
crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox
on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally
not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously
suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and puissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your
decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is
at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders
of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that,
a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great
Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the
nation as a whole.

Which, brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of
truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the
canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a
moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion
that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole
damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the
Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst
colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you
seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and
"dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is
allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university
system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to
do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with
nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because
even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer
medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any
way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to
point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul
jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the
money.

Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations

2003-11-25T08:55:00.000Z

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch >a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce the Same? Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer

2003-11-18T10:14:00.000Z

Frog Business

A beautiful, well - endowed, young lady named Carol goes to her local
pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says: "S e x Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions)."
Carol excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, I'll take one."
Robert packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
Carol nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Carol takes out the instructions
and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very s e x y teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down on the bed.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
At this point Carol is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, Carol calls the pet store. Robert says,"I had some complaints
earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, Robert is ringing her doorbell. Carol welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
Robert, looking very concerned, he picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and sternly says:
"Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

2003-11-18T09:47:00.000Z

20 Reasons you know you live in 2003;

1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do
not have e-mail.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn
so she can create a screen saver.

4. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

5. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom
of the screen.

6. You buy a computer and 3 months later it's out of date and sells
for half the price you paid.

7. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go get it.

8. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would be a hassle and take planning.

9. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

10. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

11. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple-coloured Post-it notes.

13. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

14. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

15. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

16. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

17. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
your way back to bed.

18. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. ; )

19. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

20. Even worse; you know exactly who you are going to forward this
to...

2003-11-17T10:51:00.000Z

It's time again to review the newest "Stella" Awards
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella
awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.
Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonalds -
the teens who allege that eating at McDonalds has made them fat - was filed
after the 2002 award voting was closed. This suit will top the 2003 list
with out question.
Here are this year's winners:

5th Place: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he
had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He
couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage
locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr.Dickson
found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of
Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's
insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury
agreed to the tune of $500,000.
4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door
neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the
fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and
broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.
Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of
a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And a drum roll for the Winner
1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma
City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor
home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto
the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers
seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly,
the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued
Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't
actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The
company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in
case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.
That's the American Justice System...... Hard at work!

2003-10-22T08:31:00.000Z

Some old classic Insurance claim form statements;

I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog out and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on
the claim form were:
Q - What warning did you give?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion
reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her
to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into
the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an
accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head
through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not
see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road
when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of
my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows."

2003-10-21T08:33:00.000Z

Can you guess which of the following are true or false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot
more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!
6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6
years old.
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
(especially if you had anything to do with the military!)
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for
water.
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head
are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie".
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just
in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for
a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women
who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE

2003-10-16T08:20:00.000Z

More from Peter Kay;

* When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and
sold the engine?

* I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

* I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

* I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

* A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

* well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one
day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones
but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks
and stones all the way.

* My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.

* Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a
good hand.

* I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

* I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.

* You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

* Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.

* I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

* right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

2003-10-10T11:14:00.000Z

A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to
his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £9,500,000....
Woooohooo!!!!"
"That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the
mountains?"
"Who cares", he replies, " Just f**k off ".
- - -
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side
of the road.
They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."
She asks, "What about the smell?"
He says, "Hold its nose."
- - -
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came
second for a change!".
- - -
A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He
notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if
I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the
most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, I'd like
two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to
Tittsburgh'...........So she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister
too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my
wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said,
'you ruined my life you evil fat slag'

2003-10-10T10:47:00.000Z

Male Sensitivity Test ... ( Be truthful)

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both

shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Thirty tequila slammers.

3. You carefully pace yourself to time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss the footie.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A. The very best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. The part you must endure to have any chance of getting further
experiences.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You

tell her that it is:

A. Of no consequence to how you love her and your affectionate feelings for
her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym if she'd like to.
C. A very conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. An important model to strive for
B. A myth or an oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the

end of a relationship?

A. "This time together has been meaningful for me. I hope we can still be
friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time, understanding, and gentle
encouragement before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Evaluating Results:

* If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check inside your pants to be sure
you actually ARE a man.
* If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, just to be on
the safe side.
* If you answered "C" more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

2003-10-07T15:53:00.000Z

Some old Viz Top tips;

1) If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

2) Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3) Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

4) Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in
the first place.

5) Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

6) Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

7) Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip
a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

8) X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

9) Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars simply stand closer to
what you want to look at.

10) Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

11) Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.

12) Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

13) Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

14) A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal
coat hanger in an emergency.

15) Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

16) An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

17) Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids
by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

18) Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pis*ing in the sink.

19) Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by
buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

20) Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc 'tastes' exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

21) Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt
be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.

22) Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name.
See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

23) Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check
that it has gone.

24) Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of
cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

25) High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

26) Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

27) Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

28) Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet
paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

29) Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

30) A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
going back to sleep.

2003-10-02T15:07:00.000Z

In accordance with our on going efficiency drive, management has determined
that there is no longer any need for network or software applications
support.
Our goal is to remove all computers from desktops by December 31, 2003.
After this time, all members of staff who can demonstrate a business need
will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch Pad.
Our Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support Team has advised that this will
eliminate:
a) Operating System and Server problems
b) virus infections and
c) time-wasting through reading and writing e-mails, and surfing the
Internet.
Given the introduction of this new technology, our Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support team has set out below a number of Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A. Pick it up and shake it

Q. How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What's the shortcut for Undo?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I create a New Document window?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A. Pick it up and shake it.

Q. How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A. Don't shake it.

2003-10-02T14:10:00.000Z

Billy Connolly's 14 Things "I Hate About Everybody"

> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
> where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
> when I ask where the toilet is?
>
> 2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
> room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
> the channel manually.
>
> 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
> F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
>
> 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
> is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
> do this??? Who and where are they???
>
> 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that!?". No
> tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking
> floor.
>
> 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
> choice there, did you sunshine?
>
> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
> there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
> there must have been something before it.
>
> 8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest
> damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
>
> 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
> yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Sh*t-head?
>
> 10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
> So what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?
>
> 11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
> No,it's f*cking revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
>
> 12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an
> image I really didn't need.
>
> 13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
> insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a
> McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have
> a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
>
> 14. When you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you
> alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off then.

2003-09-29T13:51:00.000Z

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their
passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made
passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from all this, they fell asleep,
awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told his
secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she nonetheless complied.
He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary, and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b* st*ard!
You've been playing golf!!"

2003-09-18T10:22:00.000Z

Ultimate Chain Letter

INSTRUCTIONS;
1. Make a list of nine friends
2. Anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't
forget some ventilation holes).
3. Send the carton to the person who is at the top of the list and
this letter to the rest. Soon, your name will be at the top of many lists,
and you will receive 823,542 women through the post. statistically,
among those women, there will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds, 2.5 models, 463
wild nymphos 3,234 good-looking nymphos and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In
total, 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and
tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your
original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back
to you.
DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER - BACK LUCK WILL FOLLOW YOU FOR THE
REST OF YOUR DAYS.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of
his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he
sent her off in, with the same migraine attack, and the accusatorial
expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel
he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out
to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.)
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that was in 6th place above
me in my list has already received 837 women and is lying in
hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.
YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.
No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities,
no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or
engagement. Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best
friends.

2003-08-29T08:27:00.000Z

If you don't laugh at the end of reading this then there's something wrong
with you... :-)
Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many
Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes",
he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person
is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification.
If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win
the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of
Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest
thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if
you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sara."
DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip,huh? No one would ever have said that if
a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all
that great, but her Mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"(touch
tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...
do
you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian (laughing)
"Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando,
Florida for 5 days on us. DisneyWorld. SeaWorld. Tickets to the Magic's
game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"> Brian:
"Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the arse....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station
break"

2003-08-11T09:20:00.000Z

Had to post this as I love it:

The Use of Computers in Movies;

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

The most relevant information is displayed in a separate windows right in the middle of the screen, but there's never an Ok button to other way to close it.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see Fortress).

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read.

The really advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer. (See The Hunt For Red October or Alien)

All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

Corollary: sending data to a modem/tape drive/printer faster than expected causes it to explode.

People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. (See the opening credits for The Hunt For Red October)

A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

Any PERMISSION DENIED error has an OVERRIDE function (see Demolition Man and countless others).

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems (especially the wireless ones they must be using when they're in the car) usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile-site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access them.

No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because none of the buttons are labelled.

Most computers, no matter how small, are able to produce reality-defying three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics, with little or no detailed input from the user.

Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see Alien, 2001, Jurassic Park).

Either a Jacob's Ladder or a Van Der Graaf Generator is absolutely necessary for the operation of new, experimental computers (especially when built by brilliant scientists), although in real life, these devices do absolutely nothing.

One can issue any complex set of commands in a few keystokes (see Star Trek).

The internet connects to everything in the movies. You can edit credit records, search hotel registries, lookup police criminal files, search (and edit) drivers license databases, edit social security files and more just using the internet! (see The Net)

Smashing the VDU prevents the whole system from working (see Speed).

You can launch nuclear missles from any bedroom using an analog modem, but only if you know a single secret password (see War Games).

(reference Annoyances.org)

2003-07-11T09:16:00.000Z

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by
a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first;
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this
would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my
old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind
and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then
drive off with the old friend for some beers!!